I think most people would agree that being a couple can be the greatest source of fulfillment in life, but it can also be the source of the deepest despair. My clients include many couples at different stages of their relationship. I have noticed that many of them lack the knowledge and skills to care for their marriages. In this article I would like to share some very important research findings and make some suggestions that can make the difference between happiness and despair for couples. I hope this information will be useful for some of you in taking good care of your marriage.

When you have a new baby, it is very important to give yourself some baby-free time to spend as a couple to take care of your marriage.

Research on Ways to Take Care of Your Marriage

Dr. Gottman and his team studied 3000 couples, some of them for 20 years. From this extensive research I would like to share with you some of the important results.

• The average couple waits 6 years before deciding to seek help for marital problems.
• Half of the marriages that end in divorce end within the first 7 years.
• During conflict, 90 percent of couples who are observed to exhibit belittling, emotional withdrawal and distancing, criticizing and defensive behaviors divorce within 5 to 6 years.
• 69 percent of relationship problems are caused by personality differences and are recurring.
• 80 percent of the time it is women who talk about these problems (85 percent of the time it is men who emotionally shut down and withdraw).
• Emotional shutdown occurs when the listener's pulse rate rises above a certain level as a physiological response.
• In stable marriages, the ratio of positive to negative behaviors observed during conflict is 5 to 1, while in unstable marriages this ratio drops to 0.8 to 1.
• Sixty-seven percent of couples who have just had a child experience a sudden drop in marital satisfaction by the time the baby is 3 years old.

Five Things to Focus on if You Value Your Marriage

What you focus on grows and develops. So, if you want to take good care of your marriage, you have to let go of your automatic habits and reactions and choose with your conscious mind what to focus on.

Let's turn these findings into actionable actions and attitudes:

• It seems that what you do during a disagreement is of great importance to the survival of your marriage. Since we know that some disagreements are impossible to resolve, we can rule out this possibility from the beginning. Acceptance the best. You and your partner don't always have to think and behave in the same way. Doesn't even the idea give you comfort?
• Notice whether what you say and how you react falls into the positive category or the negative category.
• Your ratio of positive to negative statements and behaviors should be 5 to 1. In other words, if we simplify it, your positive words and behaviors should be 5 times more than the negative ones.
• Emotional shutting down, belittling, criticizing and becoming defensive are behaviors that couples who are likely to divorce exhibit during conflict, and all four of these behaviors are automatic responses of our limbic system. The limbic system is an internal alarm system that has protected the human species for thousands of years. When this system is activated, our heart starts beating faster, our thinking capacity decreases as our body pumps blood to our limbs in preparation for flight or collision. Recognize the signs of this state of arousal and to calm yourself and each other you need to learn. Empathy and humor can quickly return arousal to normal?
• When you have a new baby baby-free time you can spend as a couple is very important. If both parents are happy with themselves and each other, your baby will be happy too. If you don't take good care of your marriage, your marital satisfaction decreases and the risk of marital discord, depression and divorce increases. As a result, it will be harder to take good care of your baby.
• Since divorces occur in the first 7 years, use your head, expert assistance Don't wait 6 years for your marriage to wear out.

We know that marital satisfaction is one of the most important indicators of mental and physical health. It is worth the effort to take good care of your marriage.