I asked my Aikido teacher what he thought about life. I asked him if life has a purpose. He answered me in passing that the purpose of life is enlightenment. From birth to death we experience tension on a physical, psychological and spiritual level. I think that enlightenment is the process of our growth as we try to cope with the situations we experience as tensions. The same process applies to social development. Non-violent communication allows us to recognize our wholeness by teaching us a language we can use to reflect on these tensions and to unify the parts of ourselves that we keep out.
Simple yet powerfully transformative, nonviolent communication teaches us a language we can use to reflect on and resolve the tensions we experience.
Nonviolent Communication as an Alternative to the Cycle of Violence
People who realize their integrity lead meaningful lives by following their passions. A psychologist who grew up in a hardscrabble area of the United States Marshall Rosenberg, to create a new form of communication that could provide a peaceful alternative to the violence he encountered there. He found that when we feel criticized or condemned, we are often offended and we feel unfair and insulted. In such situations, in order to save face, the self either becomes defensive or offensive or retreats, which leads to more resistance and defensiveness. This is how the cycle of violence escalates.
But the self is an illusion, an energy that responds to different social contexts.
Wanting to broaden the scope of our responsiveness, Rosenberg developed a communication process in the 1960s. The purpose of this process was to empower people. He later founded an association to teach these skills and build awareness of inner and outer harmony. Dedicated to his work as an educator, mediator and visionary leader, Rosenberg worked with communities, families and individuals at war. He describes the results of this simple but extraordinarily transformative work:
“When I leave groups, so many incredible things happen that when I go back I am amazed at what they have accomplished while I was away. I see this everywhere I go. The people I work with want to spread this process around and transform their environment. They want everyone to have access to these principles and they have tremendous energy to spread this kind of effort.”
Nonviolent Communication Focuses on Identifying Needs and Clearly Expressing Demands
Conflict resolution process Rosenberg's method because it is widely used as Nonviolent Communication is called. It focuses on understanding the world and relating to ourselves and each other by connecting at the level of human needs. Compassionate Communication or Collaborative Communication also called.
All human activity is based on satisfying a need that is perceived to exist. But from an early age we learn to stigmatize and condemn both our own needs and those of others, and we break the habit of acting naturally to meet them. We also learn to feel guilty when we think about and talk about our needs. We can feel victimized by this stuckness, and this feeling turns into anger. Here are Rosenberg's principles of communication that you can use to change your relationship with yourself and those you see as others by listening sincerely to your needs and the needs of others:
- Develop your understanding of yourself. Approach your own deep inner life with full compassion and acceptance. To understand your problems of overeating, anger, wasting your time, etc., ask yourself what need am I trying to fulfill by doing so, or what unmet need am I reacting to? Have you identified your personal need? What is your intention?
- Develop your understanding of others. Beyond intellectual analysis of who is right and who is wrong, try to see the humanity of the other person. When you listen to the other person with compassion, with the intention of understanding the unmet needs behind their words and actions, you can hear what they cannot say; you can understand their fears, their insecurities, their need to be accepted and loved for who they are. In this way you can uncover your common humanity and create a basis for cooperation. Were you able to hear the other person's needs?
- Make it a principle to express yourself honestly. Expressing yourself truthfully arouses compassion in others and makes cooperation possible. Have you clearly stated what you want?
Sincerely communicating and listening to needs and wishes enables strategies based on collaboration and creativity.
Nonviolent Communication Empowers All Parties
We all want to be happy. We all feel happy when we make others happy. We just don't know how to do it. These methods can change not only your life, but the lives of your family, your friends, your community. Wisdom teaches us that in the face of misfortune and violence that we are not helpless He says. If the other person is easily offended, violent or aggressive, you may get a response that will upset or hurt you, but there is still the possibility of mutual understanding, acceptance and respect for each other. When we are able to bring about the change in ourselves that we want to see happen in the world, opportunities to make meaningful contributions and the resources to do so arise.
If we want to move from social tension to social harmony, we must first harmonize within ourselves.
Are you ready to bring about the change in yourself that you want to see happen in the world? Start by treating yourself and your basic human needs with compassion. Start listening sincerely and attentively to your friends, parents, spouse, children, siblings, neighbors, co-workers, teachers of your children. Listen both to what they say and to the feelings behind their words. You will begin to understand the unmet needs that are creating conflict between you. Then honestly express your own deeper needs and desires. This may require speaking from inside your protective shell. In any case, this will be the first step towards finding harmonious, creative solutions to difficulties in cooperating with others.
You will thus contribute to creating a more harmonious life for yourself.
Congratulations!
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